I want to feel my weight. Being numb to it isn’t helping to reduce it. When factoring in the time and effort it takes to wake up to it and stay awake, it isn’t worth whatever short-term benefit the ‘numb to it’ provided.
So each day for a while, in my mind, I will weigh less than the day before. In my mind, not on the scale. Use the mirrors, suck in the gut and lock in the concept of not feeling any worse tomorrow than you feel today, because your weight will not increase in your mind. You will make sure that it doesn’t by what and how much and how often you eat.
Do it for about a week – instead of watching your weight on the scale, feel your weight. All of it. Feel that which you are, knowing that each day will not be any worse – weight-wise – than the day before.
How does it feel, using all your senses – the ones science has yet to identify? It’s not helping you that the people and institutions controlling the science are so resistant and slow. You know you have more senses than the government says you have. Screw ’em. They may control the science, but they don’t control your senses – though they try mighty hard. You control how you feel and what you feel.
Feel your weight in absence of shame. There is no shame in waking up.
Am I hungry?
I am not.
Am I hungry?
I am not hungry, so shut up.
You say no, but your actions say yes. You eat anyway.
Boundaries need to be repaired. You’ve got a huge leak, when you say no, but act yes.
Retrain your brain to accept no as the final answer.
I am not hungry, because I just ate.
Are you going to eat again?
When the food in my stomach is digested fully.
When will that be?
Not your business.
No really, when?
Let’s see… maybe as long as it takes a snake to digest a rat.
New rule: Weigh myself fully clothed with shoes on after shower and breakfast.
At the doctor office I don’t get weighed naked right out of bed, and they don’t take my word on how much I really weighed in the morning – a mistake all medical professionals make.
Still, I refuse to fear the scales with clothes and shoes on. It is what it is. Fully clothed will be my new baseline and the weight from which I judge all future weights.
There was too much prep work to weigh myself. I’m groggy in the morning. Oh, I forgot to weigh myself. Now I have to remove all the clothes I just put on. Or take off my shoes, after I just tied them up. Oh, I already drank that coffee, or juice or whatever, when I think to weigh myself. Wonder how much it weighs?
I’m not going for the quarter or half pound difference any more. Those two-pound and three-pound weight gains and losses are too fickle for me.
I’m out of the 160’s. Then out of the 150’s. And on from there.
When I can feel the weight loss or gain I’ll believe the scale.
18 September 2012, 143 lbs.
12 August 2016, 165.6 lbs.
30 September 2016, 154 lbs.
30 October 2016, 149 lbs.
22 January 2017, 160 lbs.
13 February 2017, 159 lbs.
2 March 2017, 164 lbs.
15 April 2017, 157 lbs.