I Want My Land Legs Back

What does rest mean? I really don’t know. The treatment for my concussion is rest. What’s that? You mean sleep? I don’t get it.

In forty-five days I should have recovered completely if I rested – in one hundred days if I didn’t rest. I’m not recovered yet, so that must mean I didn’t rest, or I am a malingerer according to Google writers working for the insurance industry.

July 9th, August 9th, September 9th, October 9th. I still have some time to make the deadline for a ‘no rest’ recovery. Obviously, if I haven’t recovered yet, then I didn’t rest enough. Recovery time that goes beyond one hundred days is treated with suspicion by health care professionals, again, writing for Google. Prone to depression, anxiety and a bunch of other stuff I forgot about is how they start categorizing those people who take too long to recover completely from a concussion.

The kicker here is that the severity of the concussion has no bearing on recovery time.

These Google write-ups are starting to sound suspiciously prejudicial to me in favor of the insurance industry. But what do I know, except that I have a concussion.

I still have old blood in some of my facial and inner mouth tissues. My gum still hurts acutely when pressed at point of impact of fall. Still dizzy, still off-balance. Still ears ache, sore throat, night sweats as before the fall. Fatigue and progressive slow-moving from morning till night. Irritable.

Avoidance is to be avoided, yet they (meaning whom?) want me to rest. Falling, future falling, imminent falling is almost always on my mind when I’m not sitting or lying down – actually that’s not quite accurate. I do think about falling when I’m sitting and lying down, since I know at some point I have to get up.

I want my land legs back.

How am I doing?

The more I exercise, the more symptomatic I become. Muscles under ears high on sides of neck aggravate dizzy and nausea when exercised. Concussion doctor said he didn’t think inner ears were a factor in anything. Still exercising (total core, which also includes neck, plus arms and legs), hoping for brain adjustment, adaptation to kick in. Hasn’t happened yet, but I anticipate it will.

I’m doing everything as before, but with more effort and caution, except less computer work. After sitting for a while (not that long) and I get up, I can hardly walk. Even at hair dresser or restaurant. I walk like I’m drunk till I work into a stride – and it is work.

Sometimes I speak like I’m impaired. I guess I am. I don’t like it.

I’m not going to embrace something I expect to go away and to be cured of.

The concussion doctor said I was watching too much Netflix. How would he know what I watched? He wrote on his intervention notes for me to limit my screen time, to rest physically and cognitively. He said not to play any contact sports, where I could be hit or pushed.

To me, watching Netflix is resting.

He referred me to a bunch of people whom he said would throw a lot of medicines at me and would check my mood. He said he’s a minimalist.

If there’s no treatment, except rest and time, then why would I want to go through a bunch of puzzle tests for hours on a computer and to take a bunch of medicines? I thought I was supposed to rest?

At the end, the concussion doctor said, “I have to ask you this: Does this involve litigation of any type? Does it involve worker’s compensation?”

I suspect that the diagnosis, which I didn’t see till I got home that he wrote on a print-out, in lieu of speaking the diagnosis out loud when we were face to face, may have been different had I answered yes to either of those quesions.

You got it right, I’m taking care of myself on this one – till I can’t. And I won’t let the “till I can’t” part happen.

I need a new pair of shoes. My tires are bald. Skid-resistant. Broad-base to catch me when I waver as I turn. And I do waver when I turn.

He thought the four-pronged cane was a good idea. I try not to use it, since I want to do as I did before – you know that avoidance thing could become permanent out of fear and I resist that.






 

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